Homer begins the Iliad with the rage of Achilles. Homer’s poem opens with the wrath of Achilles, the greatest warrior of the Greek army. His anger nearly cost the Greeks the Trojan War, and it cost Achilles the person he loved most. Nearly three thousand years later, his story still shows what anger does to us. It also holds useful lessons for anyone learning how to deal with anger.
In this post, we use the story of Achilles as an example of how anger works. We look at the appraisals that fuel anger and the feelings anger protects. Then we explore therapy tools that help us respond with more choice.
The Wrath of Achilles
A Stolen Prize and a Public Insult
The Greeks have fought at Troy for nearly ten years. Agamemnon, king of Mycenae, commands the whole army. Achilles is its strongest fighter, and without him the Greeks would likely lose.
After a raid, Agamemnon claims a captive woman named Chryseis as his prize. Achilles receives Briseis. Chryseis’ father, a priest of Apollo, begs Agamemnon to return his daughter. Agamemnon refuses, and Apollo sends a plague through the Greek camp. Soldiers die every day.
Achilles calls the leaders together, and a prophet explains the cause. Apollo will end the plague once Chryseis goes home. Agamemnon agrees, but he demands compensation. He decides to take Briseis from Achilles in front of the entire army.
Achilles comes close to drawing his sword on Agamemnon. He holds back and withdraws himself and his warriors, the Myrmidons, from the war. When the king’s men lead Briseis away, Achilles walks to the shore alone and weeps.
For a Greek hero, the prizes of battle showed his worth to everyone. Briseis mattered to Achilles personally, and she also stood for his honour. Achilles does most of the fighting, yet Agamemnon keeps the larger share. In one public act, the king dismisses everything Achilles has sacrificed.
Without Achilles, the Greeks lose battle after battle. The Trojans push them back to their ships, and Greek morale collapses. Agamemnon realizes his mistake and offers gold, horses, treasure, and Briseis herself. Achilles refuses every gift. Even twenty times that wealth would not repay the insult, he says, or would be helpful in how to deal with anger.
Patroclus, Grief, and Revenge
Patroclus, Achilles’ closest companion, cannot bear to watch the Greeks die. He begs to wear Achilles’ armour and lead the Myrmidons into battle. Achilles agrees, with one warning: drive the Trojans from the ships and come back. Patroclus pushes the Trojans back, then ignores the warning and chases them toward Troy. There, Hector, the greatest Trojan warrior, kills him and strips off Achilles’ armour.
When the news reaches Achilles, he collapses. He pours dust over his head and tears at his own hair. His anger at Agamemnon suddenly seems small beside his grief.
Soon after, Achilles returns to battle, this time to avenge his friend. In fact, he refuses food until Hector is dead. Meanwhile, the god Hephaestus forges him new armour, and he cuts down Trojan after Trojan. Finally, outside the walls of Troy, he kills Hector. Then he ties Hector’s body to his chariot and drags it through the dust. All the while, Hector’s parents watch and weep from the city walls.
Revenge brings Achilles no peace. For days, he drags the body around Patroclus’ tomb, and he cannot sleep. Late in the poem, Hector’s father, King Priam, comes to Achilles’ shelter at night. The old king kisses the hands that killed his son and asks Achilles to think of his own father. Both men weep together, Priam for Hector and Achilles for his father and for Patroclus. Afterward, Achilles gives Hector’s body back to his father.
How to Deal With Anger Begins With Appraisals
Achilles feels two great angers in this story. His first anger keeps him out of the war, and his second drives him back into it. Psychologists explain this shift through appraisals. An appraisal is a quick, often automatic judgment about what an event means for us.
Richard Lazarus and his colleagues described two kinds (Folkman et al., 1986). Primary appraisal asks what the event means for us and what we stand to lose. Secondary appraisal asks what we can do about it and whether we can cope. Psychologist Jerry Deffenbacher applied these ideas to anger (Deffenbacher, 2011). Other research shows that several judgments feed anger, including a blocked goal, unfairness, and blame (Kuppens et al., 2003). Understanding these judgments is an early step in learning how to deal with anger.
Primary Appraisals: What Does This Mean for Me?
Primary appraisals judge the event itself. Deffenbacher describes several that make anger more intense.
“This should not happen.” Anger grows when an event breaks our rules for how people should act. Achilles believes a king should honour his best warrior, and Agamemnon breaks that rule in public.
“This is unfair.” Events that feel undeserved raise anger quickly. Achilles does most of the fighting, yet Agamemnon keeps the larger share.
“They did this on purpose.” Believing someone hurt us deliberately raises our anger. Agamemnon takes Briseis openly to show his power over Achilles.
“They could have prevented this.” Our anger climbs when we believe someone had a choice. Agamemnon could have taken compensation from anyone, yet he chose Achilles.
“It is all their fault.” Anger intensifies when we place all responsibility on the other person. Achilles blames Agamemnon completely, and total blame can make revenge feel justified.
“This attacks who I am.” The strongest anger often comes when an event wounds our sense of self. Achilles knew that fighting at Troy meant an early death, and he accepted it for lasting honour. A public insult threatens his whole reason for being there.
Secondary Appraisals: Can I Cope With This?
Secondary appraisals judge our ability to cope and whether anger fits the moment. Deffenbacher highlights four that push anger higher.
“I cannot handle this.” Feeling trapped or powerless can turn pain into rage. Achilles cannot overrule his king, so he turns his anger into withdrawal.
“I should not have to put up with this.” Therapists call this low frustration tolerance. Achilles refuses to stay at Troy without honour, piling up wealth for Agamemnon.
“Anger is the right response.” Our anger grows when we see it as normal or even required. In Achilles’ warrior culture, a man who accepts an insult quietly loses respect.
“Anger will get me results.” When anger seems to work, we rely on it more. Achilles’ withdrawal does work, since the Greeks start losing and Agamemnon offers a fortune. Each success strengthens his belief that anger brings results.
How to Deal With Anger: When the Appraisal Changes, the Anger Changes
Patroclus’ death changes Achilles’ appraisals. Blame moves from Agamemnon to Hector, who killed his friend on purpose. The threat to his identity also grows, because Achilles failed to protect Patroclus.
His secondary appraisals shift as well. Withdrawal no longer serves him, and he now believes only Hector’s death can answer his loss. Grief pushes his anger at Agamemnon aside, and the two men never truly repair their bond.
This process shapes anger in ordinary life too. Many of us have felt furious at a co-worker who snapped at us in a meeting. Later, we might learn that their child went to hospital that morning. Our anger drops, because our appraisal of their behaviour has changed.
Why Anger Can Feel Powerful
Anger often feels good in the moment. It brings energy, focus, and a sense that we know exactly what needs to happen. In one set of studies, angry people made optimistic judgments about risk (Lerner & Keltner, 2001). Their anger came with a strong sense of certainty and control. Observers also tend to see angry people as more competent and deserving of status than sad people (Tiedens, 2001).
Achilles names this pull himself. He says anger tastes sweeter than honey, even as it pushes wise people toward harshness. Anger helps us stand up for ourselves when life leaves us hurt and powerless. It also moves us to defend our boundaries and speak up about injustice. These uses matter, and anger has a real place in a healthy life.
Anger also has limits. On its own, it cannot heal hurt, grief, or shame. Venting often makes things worse. In one study, people hit a punching bag while thinking about someone who had insulted them (Bushman, 2002). Afterward, they felt angrier and acted more aggressively than people who simply sat quietly. Achilles shows the same pattern. Killing Hector and dragging his body leaves his grief as strong as before.
How to Deal With Anger by Looking Beneath the Surface
Many therapists explain anger with the image of an iceberg. Above the waterline sits anger, the emotion others see and the one we notice first. Below the waterline sits a much larger mass of feeling. It often includes hurt, shame, fear, grief, embarrassment, rejection, loneliness, guilt, and disappointment.
Anger often protects us from these softer feelings. Feeling strong and wronged can seem safer than feeling small, sad, or afraid. Anger also keeps our attention on the person who hurt us, so we spend less time with our own pain. For many of us, learning how to deal with anger means learning to feel what lies underneath it.
Research supports this link. People prone to shame tend to feel more anger and to blame others more often (Tangney et al., 1992). Blaming someone else can shield us, for a while, from the pain of shame.
The Iceberg Beneath Achilles’ Rage
Beneath Achilles’ first anger lies humiliation, since his king shamed him before the whole army. Rejection and the loss of Briseis sit there too. Grief lies beneath his second anger, along with guilt, because he let his friend fight in his place. Helplessness follows, since no act of revenge can bring Patroclus back.
For days, Achilles turns this pain into rage. With Priam, he finally lets himself grieve with another person. After those shared tears, Achilles eats and sleeps.
Our Responsibility to Feel What Lies Beneath
Feeling what lies beneath our anger is our own responsibility. Other people can support us, and the feeling itself still belongs to us. Taking this responsibility means slowing down and naming what hurts.
Naming emotions has real effects. In a brain imaging study, putting feelings into words reduced activity in the amygdala (Lieberman et al., 2007). This brain region helps us detect threat. In a diary study, angry people who could tell negative feelings apart acted less aggressively (Pond et al., 2012). Naming our feelings precisely gives us more choices about how to respond.
Feeling what lies beneath can also change our relationships. Anger tends to put other people on guard. When we share hurt or fear honestly, people have a chance to understand and comfort us. Priam comes to Achilles unarmed and grieving openly, and his honesty moves Achilles to pity.
How to Deal With Anger Using Tools From Therapy
Cognitive behavioural therapy for anger has strong research support. A review of fifty studies found clear benefits for this approach (Beck & Fernandez, 1998). Deffenbacher’s version combines calming skills for the body with new ways of thinking (Deffenbacher, 2011). Each tool below teaches a different part of how to deal with anger.
Track Anger With an Anger Log
Change starts with noticing. An anger log records each anger episode soon after it happens. In it, we note the trigger, our thoughts, our body’s signals, and our anger level out of one hundred. Hunger, fatigue, pain, and stress often lower our threshold for anger, so we note those too. Over a few weeks, patterns appear, and we can add a column for the feelings beneath the anger.
Calm the Body First
Anger shows up in the body as a racing heart, tight muscles, and fast breathing. Relaxation skills lower that arousal, and a calmer body makes clearer thinking possible.
- Breathing-cued relaxation: One hand rests on the chest and the other on the belly. Slow, deep breaths should lift the lower hand while the upper hand stays still.
- Cue-controlled relaxation: A calming word, such as “calm” or “let go,” joins each slow breath out. With practice, the word alone can relax the body in about a minute.
- Relaxation imagery: Many people build a calm, detailed scene in their minds. Returning to that scene helps when anger starts to rise.
Practising on calm days builds the habit we need during hard moments.
Soften the Shoulds
Rigid “shoulds” sit at the center of many anger appraisals. “People should respect me.” “Life should be fair.” These rules turn our preferences into demands. Other people act on their own needs, fears, and limits, and they may not share our rules. Therapists often use four questions to challenge a rigid should:
- Evidence: What facts prove this rule always holds true?
- Usefulness: Does this belief help us feel better or act more wisely?
- Flexibility: What other way could we see this situation?
- Preference: How could we turn this demand into a wish?
For Achilles, the demand might sound like, “Agamemnon must honour me.” A preference could say, “I want Agamemnon to honour my work, and his choice hurts. I still know the value of what I have done.” Preferences still leave room for disappointment and sadness. These feelings tend to stay more manageable than righteous rage.
Reappraise Each Anger Appraisal
Every anger appraisal has a more flexible alternative. Helpful reappraisals lower anger, fit the facts, and point toward solving the problem.
| Anger appraisal | A more flexible reappraisal |
|---|---|
| This should not happen. | I wish this were different, and I can cope with it. |
| This is unfair. | It feels unfair, and I can still respond in a way I respect. |
| They did this on purpose. | I do not know their reasons yet. |
| They could have prevented this. | People make mistakes, especially under pressure. |
| It is all their fault. | Several things led here, and my response belongs to me. |
| This attacks who I am. | My worth does not depend on one person’s choices. |
| I cannot handle this. | This is hard, and I have handled hard things before. |
| I should not have to put up with this. | Nobody enjoys this, and I can tolerate it. |
| Anger is the right response. | My anger makes sense, and I can choose how to express it. |
| Anger will get me results. | A short-term win can cost me something bigger. |
Reappraisals work best when we genuinely believe them.
Catch the Anger Distortions
Certain thinking patterns make anger stronger (Deffenbacher, 2011).
- Magnifying: Calling a hassle “awful” makes it feel bigger. Accurate words, such as “frustrating,” describe it more honestly.
- Overgeneralizing: Words such as “always” and “never” turn a few events into a pattern. Counting the actual times keeps the picture accurate.
- Global labelling: Labels such as “selfish” reduce a whole person to one behaviour. Describing the specific action keeps our anger in proportion.
- Mind-reading: We often assume we know someone’s motives and pick the worst one. Listing other explanations, or simply asking, tests that assumption.
- Blaming: Blame can feel powerful, and it also leaves the solution in someone else’s hands. Making our own coping plan puts that power back with us.
Take a Time-Out With a Plan to Return
A time-out means stepping away from a heated moment to calm down. It works best with a clear plan to come back and solve the problem. Achilles also stepped away, and his goal was to make the Greeks suffer. That distance cost many lives, including the life of Patroclus.
Late in the story, Achilles shows a wiser kind of distance. He asks his servants to wash Hector’s body where Priam cannot see it. Achilles knows that Priam’s cries could set off his own rage. Planning around a known trigger protects everyone involved. After a healthy time-out, we return and speak assertively about what we feel and need.
Rehearse Calm Before We Need It
Deffenbacher’s approach also includes rehearsal in imagination. With a therapist, a client pictures a real anger scene in detail and lets the anger rise. The client then practises relaxation and coping thoughts until the anger settles. Scenes start mild and grow more intense over time. This practice builds confidence that we can stay steady when a real trigger arrives.
Try the Anger Iceberg Activity
The anger iceberg activity helps us find what our anger protects. We can complete it in a journal or bring it to a therapy session. First, we describe a recent moment when we felt angry. On a drawing of an iceberg, we write “angry” at the tip. Below the waterline, we list the other feelings present, such as hurt, fear, shame, or loneliness. Then we answer a few questions in writing:
- What happened in the situation where we felt angry?
- Which feelings do we notice beneath the anger?
- What might the anger protect us from feeling?
- Do any past memories come up as we sit with these feelings?
- What surprises us about what we found underneath?
Anger usually protects us from some kind of vulnerability. If Achilles tried this activity after losing Briseis, he might write humiliation, rejection, and love. After Patroclus died, his list would read grief, guilt, and helplessness.
How to Deal With Anger and Feel What It Protects
Homer begins the Iliad with the rage of Achilles. By the end, Achilles weeps beside Priam, the father of the man he killed. Between those moments lie a stolen prize, a lost friend, and a grief that stopped him from eating and sleeping.
Every part of Achilles’ rage grew out of something he loved. His honor and his bond with Briseis stood behind his anger at Agamemnon. Losing Patroclus, the friend he loved most, drove his rage at Hector.
At first, anger gave Achilles strength when he felt powerless. Meanwhile, his grief found a target in Hector, and rage kept him moving when stillness would have meant feeling everything. Even so, for days he could not rest. Then an old king knelt before him, kissed his hands, and asked him to remember his own father. At that moment, Achilles wept, and Priam wept with him. Later that night, Achilles ate and slept, and Priam carried his son home.
In the same way, our own anger often grows out of love. For example, we rage when someone we love suffers or when a person we trusted lets us down. In fact, some of us learned early that anger felt safer than tears. As a result, many of us have carried that lesson for years. Understandably, letting those tears come can feel frightening at first. Still, for many people, it also brings deep relief.
Ultimately, learning how to deal with anger means hearing its message and then feeling what it protects. Admittedly, that work takes courage; however, support can make it safer and more bearable.
Anger plays a pivotal role in all of our lives, and it is part of the human experience. Every one of us will feel it many times. The reading here explores which emotional regulation techniques might resonate with each of us.
At Luceris we help people explore and learn how to deal with anger and the feelings beneath it. Support matters even more when anger has led to threats or violence. Anyone with questions or concerns can send us a message here. Those ready to begin can book an appointment here.
